i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I fill condoms, not promises.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
