So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
