During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
