Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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