90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
