Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
