Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Randomize
