if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
