I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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