i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
