my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
