Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
