You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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