We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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