My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
