dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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