eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
