If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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