We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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