so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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