Do you still have your period?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Randomize
