Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
