someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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