Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
