you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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