can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Send help, water and tortillas.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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