I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
