All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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