3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
