were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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