ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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