I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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