so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
