This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
