im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
