All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
