I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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