I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
