In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
