a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
