After last night, I could never be a politician.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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