Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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