I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
