hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
