Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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