The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
