Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
