At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
