the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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