onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
